My mum just left for China this morning. Grandpa has cancer. My beloved grandpa has cancer. The grandpa who loved me the most has cancer. The grandpa who used to scold anyone who attempted to scold me has cancer. The grandpa who showered me with sweets and presents even though he is very financially challenged has cancer. The grandpa who wrapped me with complete care and protection has cancer. I said cancer so many times because i need to let it sink into my head that my grandpa really has cancer. And this fucking cancer is not benign at all and he will be gone. Just like that. Anytime.

I am very strongheaded. Too strongheaded to even give my grandpa a hug at the airport when he went home for checkup. The picture of me hugging my grandpa played like waltz in my head but i still did not do it in the end. My family does not function that way. We don't hug one another and tell them how much we love them. We assume they know it already. We don't say obvious words of comfort when someone is upset. We think it is too mushy and unnecessary. Yesterday, i wrote a letter to my grandpa to tell him how much i love him. It was a torture because i realised how long i have been disassociated with chinese characters. Nevermind the fact that it was an utterly shameful attempt, i finished the letter with the simplest way of expression i could posssibly think of. I am not confident at all that my letter is error free since i did not manage to get hold of a dictionary. He would probably laugh it off as usual, but i prefer him remembering me as a smart kid.

Death is not the end. It is only the beginning to eternity. I am not escaping from the fact that my grandpa will die anytime from now on since his cancer has reached its final stage. Chemotherapy or surgery is futile in any form. Miracles are also pitiful corruptions to the helpless mind. To me, grandpa has lived and will live in me till forever to come.

I asked my mum to bring this picture back to my grandpa. I hope he likes it :)

HELEN. she's a bitch. but a KIND one.


Jing
Jing 2
Geraldine
joelle
Mishie
Xing Yue
Adeline
Ying Ying
Lixian
Meiling
Adriel
Dom
siree
lisa
sing ying


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